


The Photo

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Based on a True Story, Gen, I have an unlucky friend, Photography, general silliness, misleading impressions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 17:11:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21413722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: It's the day of the team photo. What could go wrong?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	The Photo

It's the day of the team photo. Why the Turks even_ have_ a team photo is anyone's guess; they're supposed to be clandestine-- but have one, they do, and waiting around awkwardly in the lobby, they are. Tseng looks at his watch. They've been stuck there for almost an hour. Scarlet kept wanting to redo her photo, Dark Nation ate one of the cameras, and Palmer got lost. They found him in the tuck-shop on the 35th floor. Smart man. Tseng's own stomach rumbles. He's been trying to quit smoking, but two weeks in, instead of wanting a cigarette, he now wants both a cigarette and food. He's inventing increasingly complex imaginary sandwiches when the photographer finally beckons them over.

"Okay, huddle in closer, guys, that's the stuff!" The photographer's smile is bright as her camera-flash, teeth an unnatural white. Tseng supposes that photographers must see a lot of people's teeth. It's bound to take a psychological toll.

Reno gives the photographer a lazy grin. "Gotcha, doll." He shuffles closer to Tseng, as asked. His deodorant stinks so much, Tseng is surprised it hasn't assumed a corporeal form and claimed its own spot in the photo. Tseng suppresses a shudder. He misses having no sense of smell.

On Tseng's other side, Elena takes a neat sidestep toward him. She's breathing oddly quickly; he resolves to check her medical data after the photoshoot-- but her apple shampoo smells great, at least. Practically edible.

Rude stands at the end of the row. It would make more sense for him to stand in the middle, really, being the tallest, and for Tseng and Reno to act as bookends-- but people will use any excuse to forget that Tseng is the Head of the Department, something-something-Wutai-war-go-fuck-yourself, and he is determined to stand in the center. So Rude stands on the far left, hunching over slightly to keep in the frame.

"Brilliant!" says the photographer. "Now, I want you all to put your arms around each other!"

"What?" says Tseng, too late, as Reno's fucking Reno arm flops across Tseng's shoulders and squeezes around his neck, almost choking him. Tseng's fairly sure Reno is putting his full bodyweight on the bloody arm. He feels Elena's lighter touch on his back.

"C'mon, boss!" says Reno, and Tseng is tempted, not for the first time, not for the last, to murder Reno right then and there.

Instead, Tseng makes the most halfhearted gesture he can, raising his own arms ever so slightly behind his coworkers, making sure not to touch either of them. He has probably already caught bedbugs from Reno, but no need to worsen the infestation.

The photographer snaps the shot. The Turks separate; Tseng almost shoves Reno over in his haste to get away.

A week later, Tseng walks into the office, only to find the other Turks bending over his desk. Reno is laughing about something. Rude looks longsuffering. Elena is bright red in the face.

"Photo's arrived, boss!" Reno breaks off to snicker. "Come see!"

Tseng looks.

For a moment, he's relieved. In the photo, Reno looks suprisingly presentable, Rude and Elena are a credit to the team, and there Tseng is, in the middle of the photo, with his arms--

_No_.

His stomach drops.

"Didn't know ya had it in ya, boss!" cackles Reno, clapping Tseng on the back.

Tseng tries glancing away from the photo, then flicking his gaze back. It's no good. Whatever way Tseng looks at it, the photo gives the same impression.

He's groping both Elena and Reno on the ass.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Tseng says to Reno, pulling out a cigarette. "But we'll need to get this redone. You look dreadful."

**Author's Note:**

> Unrelated, but I wanted to tell someone about this because what if I'm Haruhi Suzumiya accidentally rewriting the universe with my subconscious:
> 
> I often steal lines for Tseng from an incredibly dry individual I know IRL. And the other day, we were talking...  
Him: Sorry about the background noise; I'm getting some renovations done.  
Me *snickering at the unwitting parallel*: Oh cool, what for?  
Him: My bathroom.
> 
> *X-Files theme*


End file.
